Welcome to my site! I am Rylie’s mom or as she liked to call me, Mummy! I will share stories of grief, hope, energy, and the other side (Heaven) here. First, I would like to share a part of how I got here.
Rylie suffered a headache on a Tuesday as did I so we both stayed home. I have a rare condition which causes me to lose my vision when pressure becomes to high in my head. It’s called IIH. My physician sent me to the hospital. I asked Rylie if she wanted to go to school since her headache backed off. She said “sure but there is only a couple hours left.” I said “well, you need to lay down and rest then and stay here with Bubby.” We had not been leaving Rylie alone, she had the door off of her bedroom because we needed to see her at all times, except shower time and changing time, etc..) Rylie gave me a huge hug and told me she loved me. I told her “I love those big hugs from you, Sissy!” She smiled and I left for the hospital.
While I laid in the ER bed being infused with IV fluids, no medications as of yet, I suddenly felt overwhelmed with anxiety. I stood up and told my husband “we have to leave, NOW!” He said “what are they giving you?” I said “nothing, something is wrong and we need to leave. NOW!” So I ripped everything out of my arm and off my body and insisted we leave. It was 2:22pm. My husband insisted I lay back down and everything was ok. He had the nurse hook me back up.
Five minutes later I receive a call in panic that my son can not find my daughter. I scolded him because he was to watch her. He was looking and panicking on the phone. He said her music was blaring but she was nowhere to be found.. I told my husband to leave and go help him look.
I hung up with my son. I sat there panicking. I knew something was wrong! I then receive a call of complete despair from my son. He can’t breathe he is screaming that Rylie was in her closet! I said “why? What is she doing? What is wrong?” He said “she was hanging mom!” I screamed! Then asked him “is she breathing?”
“You Have to start CPR son! Have you called 911?!”
“I’ve called 911 mom, I am pushing on her chest.”
“RYAN, listen to me. Put me on speaker.”
Open her airway by tilting her chin up. Breathe in her mouth twice. Start pushing on her ribs very quickly. Count to 100 with me and push as we count.”
”MOM ITS NOT WORKING!”
“Ryan- it will! She will start breathing! Keep pushing!” As I ripped everything out of my arm again I am screaming to get my husband as he was already leaving to go look for Rylie.
A nurse stops me and hears what’s going on, she holds my arm and said “she will come here just wait for her!”
“I yelled at her, she is not coming here!”
“Ryan, are you still there?”
“OK, count with me as you are pushing on her chest!”
“MOM THE POLICE ARE HERE SHOULD I OPEN THE DOOR.”
“NO they will come in! Keep pushing son, do you feel her pulse?”
An officer kicked the door in and tells my son ”let me take over for you.”
”I don’t know why! What is happening! Is she going to be ok?” I could hear Ryan screaming.
I can hear First responders tell him “Come with us outside.”
“Ryan, listen to me son, listen to me – go outside ok! Let them work on Sissy! I’m on my way! I’m on my way!”
In utter panic I already knew in my heart that what I felt at 2:22pm was my daughter’s soul saying goodbye.
The police would not let us back into the house as medics worked on my daughter for over 2 hours. First responders ran in and out of the house grabbing more medications to try and start her heart.
Being an EMT myself, I knew that there is no way my daughter would be coming back to this life. It had been too long. Even if she would begin breathing, she may not pull out of it or she may be brain damaged severely. Either way, she was not going to be the Rylie we knew and loved so dearly.
The medic who walked up to me shook my hand and apologized. I could see the hole in his heart as he told me Rylie’s time of death. He felt defeated and I felt outside of my own body. I couldn’t understand what anyone said to me after this.
I ran to Rylie. I looked at my daughter, purple and tubes sticking out of her mouth. Her body wet. Her hand, as I laid beside her and grabbed it felt so cold. Her little hand so white and precious. At this moment her life flashed before my eyes, followed by a feeling that everything inside me had been pulled to the ground by gravity. My stomach dropped, my strength left me, my heart stopped.
Rylie was born 2/24/04 at 2:22pm and left for heaven 4/4/17 at 2:22pm. I consider her time of death is when I felt her in the hospital.
As it rained outside we sat inside my husbands truck in silence, waiting for the coroner, the investigators, and for Rylie’s body to be moved to the coroners vehicle. As I sat there holding back vomit I said to myself out loud, I will see her and talk to her again. I know that I can and I will.
Rylie is my daughter who was coerced into suicide by bullies at age 13. Her peers at school told her repeatedly to “go kill yourself” and “no one will miss you.”
Rylie, a beautiful redhead from birth, was in crossroads with her sexuality, She was called horrendous names and the butt of jokes by not only students, but a couple of her teachers. Many students described Rylie’s time at school as torturous.
At school, Rylie was tripped by two females which caused a torn meniscus and took her out of everything she participated in such as gymnastics, band, dance, and try outs for the track team. Rylie began to gain weight which also again made her the butt of jokes. School became a hostile environment for her to be in.
Rylie began cutting.
Her drawings changed from beautiful to masked and some even morbid. Rylie would do her best to keep a smile, but when she was in the shower I would hear her crying. I would run in to help her and she would fall to the ground in a deep and heavy bout of tears. She was uncontrollably crying. I became very scared. We didn’t leave her alone at all.
We did what any parents would do, we went to the school for help. We entered Rylie into therapy which she attended 3 times a week, she seen a psychiatrist once a month, she and I spent a lot of time together talking and laughing. I thought she was getting better.
On the Thursday before she left us. Rylie told me all of the names of the people who had harmed her at school, on the bus, and online. I felt at this point I needed to pull her from school, but she didn’t like that idea. I promised her I would talk to the school AGAIN, to try and make change. She agreed. I told her if we couldn’t come to a conclusion with the school on Monday that I would homeschool her until we figured something out.
The principal once again told me that he would talk to those involved and take care of it. When Rylie got home from school I said “did the principal talk to you?” She said “no” and gave me a look of disgust. I said well, then I will work on signing some documents to homeschool you. She wasn’t happy either way. She liked her friends she did have, but school became a place that she dreaded.
After Rylie’s move to heaven, over 24 families came forward to let me know their child was being bullied in the same school and no one would listen to the parents or students to help make a change. The bullying policy, was nowhere to be found. It was supposed to be in the handbooks. When this was brought to their attention after Rylie left us, the school quickly posted their policy on their webpage. What good is a policy though, if you aren’t going to follow it as a district and measure how it’s working?
The middle school principal came to visit us on the Friday after Rylie left. He sat in my husbands recliner and stated “unfortunately, unless you are from here you will never be fully accepted.” Our jaws dropped and my son asked him to leave.
The students were not allowed to memorialize Rylie at school. The flowers and posters they made for her were taken down the same day. I have been told that teachers were encouraged to not attend the funeral. The reason: Don’t encourage suicide.
I remember only seeing two teachers from her school. However, I remember clearly seeing most of her teachers from elementary and her previous middle school. After all, Rylie was only in the district which betrayed her for a year and 4 months.
After blaming God and cursing his name for several months, I walked into Rylie’s room as I did every morning and through out the day just to see if maybe I was dreaming and maybe she would be sitting on her bed drawing like usual.. but no. I started to raise my fist to God and again blame him. I heard very loudly and sternly “MOM! HE DID NOT TAKE ME! I CHOSE TO LEAVE, AND HE WAS HERE TO GREET ME!”
My children have been raised to say it like it is. And in this moment, I knew that this was Rylie. My heart began to beat again. I can hear her! I can see her in my 3rd eye and in dreams where our souls connect. I have so much to tell you about the other side. Rylie shows me a lot!
I have been so blessed to create and share new memories with Rylie since her physical passing.
I hope you are ready to be amazed!