Things I want to Change- by Rylie Wagner

 

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About two days after Rylie left for heaven, I had a vivid dream about her. Vivid dreams can also be soul visits. I believe this was a soul visit because I was searching for answers. Any parent who has endured the physical death of their child searches for answers whether it be via prayer, asking questions, talking to their child in soul presence, etc.. there are many many ways.

But not all of us get answers.

We could only be so lucky.  Ask any mother who has buried their child’s body if they still feel and talk to their child.  The majority will say yes.  The soul connection between a loving mother and her child will never be lost.  The relationship has not ended, it’s just different.

The dream began as I stood in a room that mimicked a classroom.  There was a student desk, a chalkboard to my back, and the tile floors most often found in public schools.

I heard paper being crumpled up and the sound of someone writing very hard on top of the desk.  This sound was hard enough for the pencil to have broken on impact. I could tell someone was upset.  When I turn around, Rylie is sitting at the desk.

I asked “Sissy, what are you doing?”

She replied “ writing.”

“What are you writing?”

“THINGS I WANT TO CHANGE.”

“Things you want to change?”

“Yep.”

“You seem angry are you ok?”

“Yep.”

The papers were written on very briskly and then wadded up and thrown into the floor.

I woke up. I ran to my husband and said I heard from Rylie! No one really understood the impact of this dream I kept repeating out loud until the day of the funeral planning.

My son and my then best friend along with Rylie’s stepmom went into Rylie’s room for the first time since she left us so tragically.  I wasn’t sure what they were doing, but I really didn’t care.  I felt numb.

I felt like my skin had lifted off of my body and I was just this empty being with no protection.  Anything could make me die at any moment, I could only hope.

Until my son ran out of Rylie’s room.  “MOM. Do you remember the dream you had where Rylie said she was writing down things she wanted to change?”

“Ya.” I answered as I stared off into the kitchen, my mind so empty feeling.

“Here it is.” He said as he handed me a paper that read ‘Things I Want To Change” in teal and pink colored pencil.

He also laid down all of the wadded up papers she had written the same thing on over and over and then scribbled it out.

It was at this moment, I knew my daughter was able to connect with me.

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