Grieving Regrets

Can you say that you have ever had to contemplate if your child should spend the night at a cemetery all alone or should she be with you every day, in an urn. What would she want?

I regret daily having my child burned into ashes and placed into an urn. She isn’t a damn genie. I don’t even know how to open the urn. I do know that she was scared of fire, but she also hated to be cold. She didn’t like to be away from me and I hate being away from her.

What do you do with your child’s remains? How could you even have to consider this situation? That’s where I am.

It’s been one year and 5 months now since my child’s beautiful soul left her body. She isn’t in the flesh any longer. She is not in her urn, nor the ground. She is soul.

Soul is energy, life’s energy that carried us before, carries us now, and carries us forever. Soul is beautiful conscious growing energy. Soul is eternal.

I am filling my days with what can be now instead of what could have been. I know I will have another day of regret but that is then and this is now. I must live in the now. So should you.

No regrets.


My First Visit to Heaven

I first visited Heaven

about two years before my daughter took her own journey to heaven. I’m not sure how or why I was blessed to see this, maybe for the mere fact of giving hope to others. Perhaps it was to be able to know where my daughter would be so it could give hope and relief to myself when the moment came, or maybe it was a mistake somehow like my soul family informed me once I was there.

But, there are no Divine mistakes.

Either way, I would like to share this with  my readers because it was an extraordinary journey. In March of 2015, I fell asleep quickly and did something only some can achieve, astral projection. During this I was allowed to receive a glimpse of heaven.

I did not know the term astral projection until after my daughter took her trip to her heavenly home. Call it what you will, I was there and it was amazing.

I had a string attached to me. Strangely, I felt completely light. I was weightless, much like when you get into water and you can bounce and float. I floated into a room where it smelled like the inside of a florist shop. It was amazing! Roses, lilies, carnations, cut stems of baby’s breath, I could smell it all! I didn’t see these flowers, but I knew they were there.

I arrived at two doors. The doors opened, and I floated inside. I had a guide with me telling me everything that was happening. The guide was a familiar voice, a soft spoken angelic voice and it made me feel completely calm. I’m not sure if you have ever experienced this type of calm. I had zero worries, zero thoughts, just existing and the emotion of excitement. I know now that this was consciousness, something we all possess and take for granted.

I had no idea what I was entering into.

When the doors opened and I floated inside. A crowd of souls met me there. Everyone was so welcoming and excited that I was there. I was the star, I was important and the greatest feeling I can remember experiencing was love. I knew everyone. I could hear everyone. The souls all talked at once and yet, I understood every word.

The souls had no faces, everyone was the same. Everyone was a glowing golden yellow light. Everyone had shapes, the same shape, much like human shape. Everyone beamed with love and love was everyone. All of the souls were different and spoke differently. They were all people (souls) that knew me from this life, the last, and before that.

Have you ever felt such complete overwhelming love without having to question why you are feeling it? This was that feeling and I reciprocated that very love to each and every one of them.

My guide told me to look to the left. White angels stood up as tall as tall could be. They were incredibly tall and behind them was the brightest light I have ever seen. This was Divine Light, God. I told my guide, “that is the brightest light!” I asked “why is it not hurting my eyes?” My guide answered “there is no pain here and God would never cause pain.”

At this time, I said “I need to go get the rest of my family, I want them all to come here and experience this!” My guide said “No it is not their time, nor is it yours.”

I started to ask questions quickly and I begged to stay. I didn’t want to leave. “What do you mean it isn’t my time?” “Why can’t I stay?” “Why can’t my family come?”

I floated back to the door, into the room that smelled of flowers and I was jerked back by the string. I quickly viewed space as like it was only a painting on a wall that I ran by. This happened so quickly I had no time to study details.

I woke up choking on acid from my stomach. I have suffered choking attacks like this many times since my early 20s and thankfully have always woken up. I try to do everything to prevent these episodes. Sometimes it still just happens.

Here nor there; I believe I was meant to see this for whatever lesson the Divine intends for it. Whether you, my readers are grieving and need hope, you are scared of what might be, or if it was just so I would know where my daughter is and how much continuous love she feels, it was and will always be a blessing to me.

I hope this inspires you. God is real. The intense emotions I get from recalling this magical event in my life are overwhelming tears of joy and a heart filled with love. I will never forget my first or any trip I have been allowed to take to heaven.

More to come…

with love,


Grief Paralysis

A curtain of black rains over me

My body shudders in agony

My eyes see only darkness

My ears whistle like sirens

My shoulders sink inside me

My ribs detach from spine

A deep longing ache fills the hole that has replaced my heart

My breaths spasm intensely

Concrete attaches to my legs

I can no longer move

I am lost between now and forever

An Angel’s Warning

About a year before my daughter left this side, I began having dreams which I now realize were prophetic. In other words, they were a prediction of what the future would bring.

I had many dreams where I was holding onto her as a tornado would try and rip her from me. I would hold on to her hand for dear life. I would sit in the school hallway with her. I would look for her after the wreckage of a tornado.

By far the strongest foretelling dream was that of the end of the world. I have had many dreams of fire and bombs being the end of the world, but this was the rapture.

This occurred as people stood along a beach. The sky was pink in hue. The trumpet sounded loudly, much like a tornado siren but it didn’t ever stop. It rang the entire time. Angels began proceeding from the clouds. The angels were so large they would make up about 3-4 humans in height. They were neither male nor female.

People ran around, scared. They were being lifted up into the sky by the energy that sustains us all. The same energy that sustains souls, light, and God.

The waves of the ocean were strong in their might. They rolled in like thunder and swashed against the beach. Waves too, are controlled by energy.

Families were falling to their knees with their hands up to the sky. I stood still in awe watching all of this occur and then realized what was actually happening. I hoped the people ready and willing to go would keep the angels occupied while I ran and looked for my child.

I began screaming Rylie’s name. My son, was running with me. An inner-knowing helped me to feel that my husband and step-daughter were ok.

This moment brought sheer panic which shook my core. I had to find Rylie. I screamed for her, and continued to run. An angel swooped down and softly spoke to me “She is already with us.” I argued and yelled at this angel as I began crying and yet, still running. “No! She isn’t, I have to find her!” I continued to scream my daughters name. “Rylie, where are you?!”

The angel continued to follow me and insist that Rylie was already with them.

I fell to my knees in agony. “No, why? No! Please? Don’t take her from me, we were supposed to leave together if this happened.”

“It was her time” the angel said.

I felt defeated. I felt like I had been forsaken. I felt exhausted.

I woke in a sweat with my heart beating incredibly hard. I uncovered and ran to my daughter’s room. She was sitting on her bed, drawing.

“Hi mommy, look what I have been drawing.” My heart sank. I ran to her crying and kissed her forehead. “Sissy, I am so glad to see you this morning my little love bug.”

“I love you mommy” she said in her precious little twelve year old voice.

I felt relieved. I felt hopeful.

Until the day Rylie left me. The dream immediately came back to me.

I had no idea that the angels were trying to tell me to be prepared. I often wonder if I was supposed to do anything differently. I watched her closely, I let her know how much I love her every single day. I did not mistreat her, but was understanding and loving.

I wish that messages were received as plainly as we would like. That just isn’t the case. There is free will and the fact that we are souls here to learn. If we knew everything, what would be the point of living?

We are to live and learn, love and learn, and grieve and learn.

This is Earth School.

My dreams are what guided me for the longest time and sometimes still do. It is often where we start when we are waking. I can remember dreams from as early as three years old. Every dream has meant something about my waking life.

There is a sense of guilt that rains over me daily for being so naive to think that these were anything less than what they actually were; warnings.

I wish I could change free will, but not even God will do that.

Anxiety After Child Loss

Since Rylie left for heaven, I find myself in situations quite frequently where I’m asked how many children I have.

At times I try to avoid the question only for fear of having to explain sub questions such as: “oh how old are they?”

This also brings up memories of the day she left.

I have felt my stomach drop because I was not certain how to explain my Rylie’s age now.

I still celebrate her birthday.

People wouldn’t understand and often judge when you tell them you have a gift and can see your child in spirit. Some probably believe I’ve taken a ride on the insanity train and forgot to get off.

Unless you’re in my shoes and see what I see, hear what I hear, and feel what I feel you would not understand.

We all have our own beliefs. It’s up to you to believe or to judge. Whichever you may choose it doesn’t change what I have learned about the other side.

My gifts do not affect that feeling of sheer panic and anxiety when asked about our children now that one has left for her journey on the other side.

This anxiety could be the trauma attached to her physical death.

I used to ask myself, how old is Rylie now? Do children continue to age and grow in heaven? Am I still her mom? Who takes care of her now?

My body has shaken all over and fought back many tears when someone asks me about my children. Do I say I have 2 children now or one and a bonus daughter or two and one in heaven?

I don’t have Rylie here anymore. God took total custody of her.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming God. I used to.

I’ve realized that’s how life goes. We all have a time when our physical bodies cease to work any longer and only God knows the timeframes.

Then again, did Rylie overturn God’s timing when she took her own life? How am I to explain this to people I have just met without sharing too much or seeming insane.

No one wants to be judged immediately, even psychics. We know we sound insane…but you can’t explain what others don’t see, hear, feel, smell, and sense without sounding like you just jumped off the coo coo train.

When people come up to me they always ask me about my tattoos. Four of my tattoos (yeah, I’m a tatted up freak if you will) are for my daughter’s memory. Two which she has drawn and one portrait of her as the little dancing bee girl from Blind Melon’s ‘No Rain’. People most commonly comment that she is an extremely talented artist when checking out Rylie’s self portrait in anime form. (Pic included above)

They often say “Wow! How old is she?”

To which I now answer: Rylie just turned 14, she is a fantastic artist, dancer, singer, and writer. She is also a gymnast and she loves to go to the island to draw.

Sometimes I add that she lives in heaven now. Depends on my mood, I guess.

One thing I never say is that she is dead or gone. She is neither.

I talk of her only in the present.

How do I know, well you will learn through my blog the many experiences I have had with my daughter and others who reside in heaven.

It’s time that grieving parents take back the rights to their children by knowing they still age, they are cared for by who ever has been assigned to care for them, and they continue to do what they love. They are consciousness, energy, and love.

Speak of them often! Speak of them in the present and do not put your children in the past! They are still our babies and they are never forever a specific age.

As hard as it is and as depressing as it can be to not have my child physically, I know that she is well taken care of. She is happy. She is loved beyond measure both here and in heaven. She is helpful to me here on Earth. Most importantly, she is working for God.