A Recent Trip to Heaven brought me to a carnival. I had no idea there were carnivals in heaven, but according to my daughter and her heaven there is. it was dark out and the sky had a lit haze from all of the carnival lights. There were not a lot of people there, but people who looked familiar to me. Let me back track a bit. When I landed in heaven I knew I was there and had landed. I knew I had meditated and fell asleep and woke in heaven. I landed on two feet as if I were dropped there. I turned to the right and I saw my daughter walking with another female. My daughter looked to her left and stopped. She then came around the front of the tent. I said ” RYLIE IS THAT YOU?” She had let her hair grow out. She always wanted to do that. She said “Mommy?” questioning if she was really seeing me. I said “Rylie!!” and I grabbed her and held her. She hugged me back as I said “Are you in heaven?” She said “yeah” as she looked around and did the teenage ‘duh’ look. My daughter was standing next to a friend of mine named Linda who I lost in death late 2000 from myocarditis. Linda said to me “I have your baby and she will be with me, I will take care of her now.” Linda was never able to have children of her own. She knew I was pregnant with my son when she was ill and passing. Linda looked down at Rylie and said “Rylie we must go now.” I said “no, please don’t go!” Rylie said “mommy, I am ok, look I am in heaven. ” Linda reached for her hand and Rylie grabbed ahold of it. The two turned around and started walking. I said “but I love you Rylie.” Rylie said “I love you too Mommy!” When I turned around I was crying and my head bumped into the hip of a very tall man, Robert Wadlow. Robert is a distant cousin of mine who passed a very long time ago. Robert is to this day the Worlds Tallest Man and is in the Guiness Book of World Records. Rylie always wanted to meet him. I imagine now she knows him well. It would make sense why they would both be at a carnival. After I realized who he was I said “hello.” and I felt a tug on my back as if a string or a cord were attached to me. I woke from sleep remembering every detail of what had just happned. I will never forget the blessing I received this day having gotten to see, talk, and even hold my daughter again.

Grieving Regrets

Can you say that you have ever had to contemplate if your child should spend the night at a cemetery all alone or should she be with you every day, in an urn. What would she want?

I regret daily having my child burned into ashes and placed into an urn. She isn’t a damn genie. I don’t even know how to open the urn. I do know that she was scared of fire, but she also hated to be cold. She didn’t like to be away from me and I hate being away from her.

What do you do with your child’s remains? How could you even have to consider this situation? That’s where I am.

It’s been one year and 5 months now since my child’s beautiful soul left her body. She isn’t in the flesh any longer. She is not in her urn, nor the ground. She is soul.

Soul is energy, life’s energy that carried us before, carries us now, and carries us forever. Soul is beautiful conscious growing energy. Soul is eternal.

I am filling my days with what can be now instead of what could have been. I know I will have another day of regret but that is then and this is now. I must live in the now. So should you.

No regrets.


Anxiety After Child Loss

Since Rylie left for heaven, I find myself in situations quite frequently where I’m asked how many children I have.

At times I try to avoid the question only for fear of having to explain sub questions such as: “oh how old are they?”

This also brings up memories of the day she left.

I have felt my stomach drop because I was not certain how to explain my Rylie’s age now.

I still celebrate her birthday.

People wouldn’t understand and often judge when you tell them you have a gift and can see your child in spirit. Some probably believe I’ve taken a ride on the insanity train and forgot to get off.

Unless you’re in my shoes and see what I see, hear what I hear, and feel what I feel you would not understand.

We all have our own beliefs. It’s up to you to believe or to judge. Whichever you may choose it doesn’t change what I have learned about the other side.

My gifts do not affect that feeling of sheer panic and anxiety when asked about our children now that one has left for her journey on the other side.

This anxiety could be the trauma attached to her physical death.

I used to ask myself, how old is Rylie now? Do children continue to age and grow in heaven? Am I still her mom? Who takes care of her now?

My body has shaken all over and fought back many tears when someone asks me about my children. Do I say I have 2 children now or one and a bonus daughter or two and one in heaven?

I don’t have Rylie here anymore. God took total custody of her.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming God. I used to.

I’ve realized that’s how life goes. We all have a time when our physical bodies cease to work any longer and only God knows the timeframes.

Then again, did Rylie overturn God’s timing when she took her own life? How am I to explain this to people I have just met without sharing too much or seeming insane.

No one wants to be judged immediately, even psychics. We know we sound insane…but you can’t explain what others don’t see, hear, feel, smell, and sense without sounding like you just jumped off the coo coo train.

When people come up to me they always ask me about my tattoos. Four of my tattoos (yeah, I’m a tatted up freak if you will) are for my daughter’s memory. Two which she has drawn and one portrait of her as the little dancing bee girl from Blind Melon’s ‘No Rain’. People most commonly comment that she is an extremely talented artist when checking out Rylie’s self portrait in anime form. (Pic included above)

They often say “Wow! How old is she?”

To which I now answer: Rylie just turned 14, she is a fantastic artist, dancer, singer, and writer. She is also a gymnast and she loves to go to the island to draw.

Sometimes I add that she lives in heaven now. Depends on my mood, I guess.

One thing I never say is that she is dead or gone. She is neither.

I talk of her only in the present.

How do I know, well you will learn through my blog the many experiences I have had with my daughter and others who reside in heaven.

It’s time that grieving parents take back the rights to their children by knowing they still age, they are cared for by who ever has been assigned to care for them, and they continue to do what they love. They are consciousness, energy, and love.

Speak of them often! Speak of them in the present and do not put your children in the past! They are still our babies and they are never forever a specific age.

As hard as it is and as depressing as it can be to not have my child physically, I know that she is well taken care of. She is happy. She is loved beyond measure both here and in heaven. She is helpful to me here on Earth. Most importantly, she is working for God.